The first Christmas after a death

The first Christmas after a death is one of the hardest days of the first year of grief. The whole season is built on family being together, and your family is one person short. This page is for getting through it without pretending the chair is not empty.

Permission to do less

The first holiday season after a loss does not need to look like any other holiday season. You are allowed to skip the party. You are allowed to not send cards. You are allowed to eat takeout on Christmas Eve. You are allowed to leave the lights down. The person who died is not going to be disappointed. The family member who comments about it can be told the truth, gently, once.

One of the most useful things grief counselors suggest is to make three lists before the season starts. Things you want to keep doing. Things you want to skip this year. Things you are not sure about yet. Then make decisions one at a time, with the people who matter to you, instead of by inertia.

The empty chair, named out loud

Pretending the person is not gone is exhausting. So is avoiding their name. Most families find that a small, deliberate moment of acknowledgment at some point on the day is what lets the rest of the day move forward.

Some ideas families have used. Light a candle before the meal and say their name. Put one of their ornaments on the tree, last. Pour a small glass of their drink and leave it on the counter. Read one line from a card they sent in a past year. Tell one story about them at dinner, and let other people add. You do not need a ceremony. You need one true moment.

Helping children through the first Christmas

Children often do better than adults expect at the first holiday, especially when the adults around them are not pretending. Name the person out loud. Use their name. Let the children ask the questions they need to ask. Light a candle. Make a small place for grief in the day, and the rest of the day will breathe easier.

For more on talking with kids about a death, see our piece on how to tell the children. Many families find that giving a child one small ritual of their own, like choosing which ornament to put up first, helps them feel included instead of bewildered.

Small rituals other families have used

• One empty plate at the table, with a flower laid on it.
• A donation to their favorite charity instead of one round of gifts.
• A walk to a place they loved, on Christmas morning or Christmas Eve.
• A letter to them, written and read aloud or kept folded.
• One ornament that was theirs, hung last, in silence.
• Their recipe on the table, made by someone who learned it from them.
• A photo of them on the mantle, with a candle next to it.

None of these are required. Pick one. Or pick none and let the day be quiet. Both are right.

The first year is the hardest

Most grief counselors will tell you the first year of holidays is the hardest. Christmas, the new year, the first birthday after, the first death anniversary. Each of those firsts has its own weight. Our piece on the anniversary of a death covers what that first year tends to look like, and our first Mother's Day without mom piece covers the spring days. Families in larger cities can find local first-year grief groups through our Chicago memorial planning page and similar city resources.

If you need help today

The holiday season is the heaviest stretch on most grief hotlines. Lines are still answering. The crisis and grief support resource has 24-hour grief lines and text options. You are not alone in this even when the house is.

Common questions

Should we still put up the tree?

Only if you want to. There is no rule. Some families find that the tree is a comfort and a small place for grief to land. Some skip it the first year. Some put it up but skip the ornaments that were theirs. All of these are right.

Do I have to host Christmas this year?

No. You are allowed to opt out, change the venue, change the meal, or change the entire day. The person who used to host may have been the person who died. Let someone else carry it this year, or let it be small.

How do I help my kids?

Be honest. Name the person out loud. Light a candle. Let them choose one tradition to keep and one to skip. Children often handle the empty chair better than adults expect, especially when the adults are not pretending it is not there.