Sympathy card wording

Most people stand in the card aisle for ten minutes, pick the one that says the least, and then sit in their car trying to come up with three sentences. This page is those three sentences, ten different ways. Copy any of them. Change the names. Mean them.

What makes a sympathy card actually help

• Name the person who died, by name. Avoid your loss.
• Share one specific memory if you have one, even a small one.
• Make a concrete offer, not a vague one. I will bring dinner Tuesday beats let me know if you need anything.
• Sign it with your full name. Grief brain is real.

Ten example wordings

1. For the loss of a parent

I am so sorry about your mom. I will always remember the way she made everyone in the room feel like they were the most important person there. I will be thinking of your family this week. I would love to drop off dinner on Thursday if that helps.

2. For the loss of a spouse

I cannot imagine what this week is like. I will not pretend to. I just want you to know that David was one of the kindest men I have ever known, and you brought out the very best in each other. I love you. I will check in on Sunday.

3. For the loss of a child

There are no words for this. I am holding you and your family in my heart. I am here for the long stretch, not just this week. I will be in touch.

4. For sudden loss

I am still in shock. I cannot imagine what you are feeling. Whatever you need, this week or six months from now, I am here. I love you.

5. For a long illness

I know this has been a long road for your family. Your dad was so well loved, and you were such a steady presence for him at the end. Rest now. I will call next week.

6. From a coworker

I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not worry about work. We have you covered. Take whatever time you need. We are thinking of you.

7. For someone you did not know well

I did not have the chance to know your father, but I have known you for a long time, and I know how much he meant to you. I am so sorry. Sending you my love this week.

8. Religious tone

Your mother is held in the light. Your family is in my prayers, this week and the weeks to come. May her memory be a blessing.

9. Secular, short

I am so sorry, my friend. I love you. I will see you soon.

10. The six-month check-in card

I have been thinking about your mom this week. It has been six months. The world has moved on a little, and I just wanted to say her name out loud to you. I miss her too. I am here.

The single rule

Do not say they are in a better place unless you know for certain the family agrees, in those exact words. That phrase has hurt more grieving people than almost any other well-meaning sentence. If you are not sure, leave it out.

For more on what to say in person, see what to say at a funeral. If you cannot make the service, our piece on memorial donation page covers the donation-instead-of-flowers route.

When you are ready, Stillwith helps you draft yours.