A eulogy for someone you did not know well

Sometimes the family asks the wrong person. Or the only person. You are a neighbor, a colleague, a distant cousin, an officiant. You liked them, you respected them, but you did not know the small private details a eulogy usually needs. This page is for that.

Name it once, gently

Most of the room knows you were not the closest person to the deceased. Acknowledging that once at the top of the eulogy buys you permission to be brief. A single sentence is enough.

I knew Helen for three years, mostly across a fence in the backyard. That is not long. But what I learned in those three years was that Helen Brennan paid attention to people. Here is what that looked like.

The borrowed-memories method

The night before the service, sit down with two or three people who knew the deceased well. A spouse, a sibling, a longest friend. Ask them these five questions:

• What is one thing about them that is true but most people did not know?
• What is a phrase they said often?
• What were they doing when they seemed happiest?
• What is the small thing you will miss most?
• If you could put one image on the back of the program, what would it be?

Take notes. You will end up with five or six small images. Pick three that fit your voice and the room. That is the body of the eulogy.

A short sample

I worked with Marcus for two years. He was the kind of man you learned from by watching, not by listening, because he did not say much. Last week his daughter told me that when he was a kid he hid library books inside textbooks at school. That makes sense to me. I watched him read at lunch every day for two years. He kept a list of what he finished in a black notebook in his desk. I think he had seventy-three books in that notebook this year. He had a quiet life full of small things. We will miss him.

Cite gracefully

If the best stories are not yours, say so. "His sister told me this morning that..." is a clean attribution. It does not break the eulogy. It strengthens it.

Related and adjacent

For workplace memorials, see our eulogy for a coworker guide. For the short format itself, see short eulogy for a funeral. For the questions that gather memories, see our what not to say resource for the moments after.

For local context, our Boston funeral planning page covers a city where Irish-Catholic services often ask a coworker or neighbor to speak.

Common questions

How long should this kind of eulogy be?

Two to three minutes. About 250 to 400 spoken words. Brief is honest when you did not know the person well.

Is it okay to say I did not know them well?

Yes. Naming it once at the top, then turning to borrowed memories, is the right shape. Pretending otherwise sounds hollow.

Who should I ask for stories?

Closest family member, longest friend, work colleague, and one person from a hobby or church community. Four sources is plenty for a short eulogy.