What not to say

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Why it stings. It asks the griever to find meaning in something that may not have one. A 32-year-old mother of two dying of cancer was not a lesson the universe needed to teach anyone.

Try instead. "I do not know why this happened. I am so sorry. I am here."

“They are in a better place.”

Why it stings. It depends entirely on the griever's belief, and even when they do believe it, the better place is not here, with them, on a Tuesday morning. It can feel like you are saying their loss is fine.

Try instead. "I will miss them so much. I am thinking of you."

“At least they lived a long life.”

Why it stings. At least is the most loaded phrase in grief. Length does not soften loss. A 92-year-old grandmother is still somebody's mother, somebody's last living parent, somebody's anchor.

Try instead. "What a life she had. Tell me a story about her when you are ready."

“You are so strong.”

Why it stings. It sounds like a compliment. It lands like an assignment. The griever now feels they have to keep being strong, even when they want to fall apart. Strength is not what they need to perform for you.

Try instead. "You do not have to hold it together for anyone. Cry if you need to."

“Let me know if you need anything.”

Why it stings. They will not let you know. They do not know what they need. They are too tired to ask. The offer feels generous and stays unused, which leaves them feeling more alone.

Try instead. Make a specific offer. "I am dropping off dinner Thursday at 6, you do not need to come to the door." Or, "I have Tuesday afternoon free, want me to take the kids to the park?"

“Time heals all wounds.”

Why it stings. It does not. Time changes the shape of grief, but the missing stays. A widow at year ten is still a widow. A bereaved parent never stops being a bereaved parent. Saying time heals can feel dismissive of how long this will actually take.

Try instead. "This will be hard for a long time. I will be here for the long time."

“I know exactly how you feel.”

Why it stings. You do not. Even if you have lost the same kind of person, your grief is not their grief. The relationship was different, the circumstances were different, the after will be different. Claiming shared experience makes the griever feel unseen.

Try instead. "I have lost someone too. I do not know exactly how you feel, but I know some of this country. I am here."

“You should be over it by now.”

Why it stings. There is no schedule for grief. Six months, a year, three years, ten years, there is no when you should be over it. Grief does not end. It changes. Anyone who tells the griever otherwise has not yet been through it themselves.

Try instead. "How are you doing today, really? It is okay to still be sad."