A eulogy when the person was difficult

If the person who died hurt you, the work of writing a eulogy is twice as hard. You are grieving and you are angry and you are tired and the service is on Friday. This page is for that. Honesty is allowed. So is silence. So is keeping it short.

First, you have permission to not do this

No religion, no social rule, and no funeral home expects you to speak. Ask a cousin. Ask the officiant. Skip the slot. A common assumption is that the closest surviving family member must give the eulogy. That is not how funerals actually work. The person who speaks should be the person who can speak.

If you do want to speak, even partly, the rest of this page is for you.

The two-paragraph structure

The cleanest structure for a difficult eulogy is two paragraphs. Paragraph one is what they were. Paragraph two is what they were not. You do not have to perform forgiveness. You do not have to lie. You say the small true things, and you stop.

Here is a short example for a father who was both present and sharp:

My father taught me how to fix a carburetor, how to read a topographic map, and how to pay attention to the way a room sounds. He worked every Saturday for forty years. He never missed a piano recital. He knew the names of every dog in the neighborhood.

He was also a hard man to live with. He had a temper that we walked around. He could not say the words I love you out loud. He did the best he could with what he was given, and what he was given was not enough. I am still working that part out. I think I will be for a long time.

Two paragraphs. The first is generous. The second is honest. The room understands both.

What to skip

Skip the resume. Skip the embellishment. Skip the family-meeting compromise that smooths everything out. Skip the line about how they loved you in their own way, unless you mean it. Performed forgiveness is louder than honest grief, and the room can hear the difference.

Do not use the eulogy to settle scores. Speaking the truth softly is not the same as airing grievances. If you find yourself drafting the third paragraph that lists what they did wrong, you have crossed the line. Cut back to two paragraphs.

When other family wants you to lie

Sometimes a sibling or parent wants the eulogy to be a clean, unambiguous tribute. You can hold the line by saying very little. A short eulogy with no inaccuracies is unimpeachable. Our guide on short eulogy for a funeral has a two-minute template that works for this.

If the family conflict is acute, you can also ask another speaker to cover the parts you cannot say. You speak for two minutes about the small true things you do remember warmly. They speak for four minutes about what the wider family wants said. The room gets a whole eulogy. You do not lie.

Practical notes for the day

• Print the eulogy in 14-point. Bring two copies in case one tears.
• Stand to the left of the lectern if you can. The casket and the family will be on your right.
• Look down at the paper for any sentence you are not sure you can deliver dry. Reading is allowed. Reading from a printed page is the most common way eulogies are given.
• Pause longer than feels natural. The room can hold the silence.

For related reading, see our piece on a eulogy for an estranged parent, our guide on how to write a eulogy, and the resource page on what not to say for the moments after.

Common questions

Do I have to give a eulogy if I do not want to?

No. There is no rule, religious or social, that requires you to speak at a funeral for someone who hurt you. Ask another family member to speak, ask the officiant to read a short passage, or leave that slot empty. The room will be fine.

Is it okay to acknowledge that the person was difficult?

Yes, when you do it with care. You do not need to perform forgiveness. The two-paragraph structure above lets you name the complexity without making the eulogy a complaint.

How long should this kind of eulogy be?

Shorter than usual. Three to four minutes is plenty. A short, honest eulogy is more respected than a long, performed one.

What if other family members want me to pretend everything was fine?

You can hold the line by saying very little. Speak about one true small thing. Skip the resume. Skip the embellishment. You can be brief and gracious without lying.

For families in specific cities, see our local guide for funeral planning in Phoenix and the rest of our places library.