How to give a eulogy with anxiety

Anxiety at a lectern is not weakness. It is the body responding to the situation it is in. The trick is not to fight the response. The trick is to give the body something concrete to do while the words come out. This page is five techniques that work.

One. The four-seven-eight breath

Before you stand up, take three rounds of four-seven-eight. Breathe in through the nose for four counts. Hold for seven. Out through the mouth for eight. This downshifts the nervous system in about ninety seconds. The exhale is the active part.

Two. Cold water on the wrists

Five minutes before the service, run cold water over the inside of both wrists for thirty seconds. The mammalian dive reflex slows the heart rate. This sounds strange. It works.

Three. A small object in your pocket

A river stone. A coin. A folded photo. Anything small enough to hold in one hand inside a pocket. The pressure of fingers against an object grounds the body. You can squeeze it when a hard sentence approaches.

Four. The eye-contact reset

Pick three people in the room before the service. One in the front, one in the middle, one in the back. Friends, ideally. When you feel the room close in, look at one of them for two seconds and look back at the paper. The brain stops scanning for threat. It is a small anchor.

Five. The pause permission

Decide ahead of time that you are allowed to pause. Long pauses. Ten seconds. The room will wait. The room expects you to pause. Most eulogies are improved by silence.

Practical day-of notes

• Print the eulogy in 14-point with double line spacing. Bring two copies.
• Mark in pencil the lines where you plan to look up.
• Water on the lectern, opened, before you start.
• If you have a beta blocker prescribed for situational use, follow your doctor's timing.

See our companion piece on how to read a eulogy without crying for the tears side of the same coin. For mechanics, see how to write a eulogy. Our reading aloud companion resource has a printable practice script.

If you are speaking at a service in a specific city, our Seattle and places library have local notes.

Common questions

Should I take medication before the eulogy?

If you have a beta blocker or an as-needed anxiety medication prescribed for situational use, talk to your doctor about timing it for the service. Many people use a half-dose for performance anxiety.

What if I have a panic attack at the lectern?

Pause. Hold the paper with both hands. Take three slow breaths. Take a sip of water. The room will wait. If you cannot continue, ask the officiant or a sibling to step in. Pre-arrange this before the service.

Should I ask someone to read it for me?

Yes, if it is the right call. Many people write the eulogy and have someone else deliver it. That is common and respected. The audience hears your words.