Reading the eulogy out loud

This is the page to keep open on your phone in the bathroom of the funeral home, five minutes before you walk up to the lectern. It is not the page for writing the eulogy. For that, start with how to write a eulogy or our guide on how to read a eulogy without crying.

The night before

Read the eulogy aloud three times. Not in your head. Out loud, in the room where you sleep, with the bedroom door closed. The first read will feel terrible. The second will feel awkward. The third will feel like reading. That is the read your voice will deliver tomorrow.

Print two clean copies, single-sided, 14-point font, double-spaced. One for you, one for your backup reader. Number the pages. Mark in the margin where you want pauses, with a slash. Mark where you want to look up, with an asterisk. If there are names you might stumble on, write phonetic spellings next to them in pencil, in all caps.

The morning of

• Drink a full glass of water when you wake up. Then a slow second glass an hour before the service. Coffee dries the mouth more than people realize.
• Eat something small. Toast, a banana, an egg. Speaking on an empty stomach makes the hands shake.
• Wear something with pockets. See our note on what to wear to give a eulogy. A folded copy of the eulogy lives in the inside breast pocket or the dress pocket. It is your parachute.
• Arrive thirty minutes early. Walk the room while it is empty. Stand at the lectern. Look at the back wall. Notice where you will look when you cannot look at faces.

Five minutes before

Find a private spot. The bathroom is fine. Run the 4-7-8 breath:

• Breathe in through your nose for four counts.
• Hold for seven counts.
• Breathe out through your mouth for eight counts.
• Do this four times.

This is not woo. It is a vagus-nerve trick that lowers your heart rate by about ten beats per minute within ninety seconds. The shaking in your hands settles. The lump in your throat eases a little. Not all the way. A little.

The back of the room trick

Pick a spot on the back wall before you begin. A clock, a window, the corner where two walls meet. When the faces in the front row become too much, raise your eyes to that spot. You will look as though you are addressing the whole room. You will not see anyone crying. Cycle back to the page, then up to the spot, then back to the page.

If you start crying

You are allowed to. The room expects it. Here is what to do:

• Stop talking. Do not push through.
• Take one slow breath in through your nose. Then another.
• Take a sip of water. There will be water at the lectern.
• Say, out loud, “Give me a moment.” Or nothing at all.
• When you are ready, find the last word you said on the page, and pick up from the next one. You do not have to apologize. You do not have to explain.

The backup reader plan

Choose one person before the service: a sibling, a close friend, a clergy person. Hand them the second printed copy that morning. Tell them: “If I look at you and shake my head, you finish from where I stopped.” Knowing the backup exists is what lets most people get through the whole thing without needing it.

Pacing

Most people read at 160 to 180 words per minute when nervous. That is too fast. Aim for 130. The way to do that is to pause at every comma. Not a tiny breath. A real one-second pause. Long pauses feel awkward to the speaker and natural to the listener. Trust them.

After

When you finish, do not rush off. Fold the pages. Look up. Breathe out. Walk back to your seat, not the door. Sit down. Drink the rest of the water. You did the hardest thing you will do this week. The rest of the day will be easier.