What to do after someone dies

The hours and days after a death are a strange mix of urgency and fog. There are tasks that genuinely need to happen quickly, and many tasks that feel urgent but can wait. This guide walks through what is actually time-sensitive, and what is not. Take it one section at a time.

The first hours

If the death happened at home and was unexpected, call 911. If it was at home and expected, call the hospice nurse or the attending doctor. They will pronounce the death and start the paperwork. If it happened in a hospital or care facility, the staff will guide you through the next steps.

Take a breath. Sit down. Drink water. Then call the one or two people you most need by your side. Texting can wait.

The first day

• Call the immediate family, in person or by phone.
• Choose a funeral home. Most families ask a neighbor, a faith leader, or a hospice worker for a recommendation.
• The funeral home will arrange transport of the body.
• Find any pre-arranged plans. Many people leave instructions in a folder, a safe deposit box, or with their lawyer.
• Eat something. Sleep if you can.

The first three days

You will need to do four kinds of work: paperwork, planning the service, telling people, and taking care of yourself. Split the work among family members if you can. Nobody is supposed to do this alone.

Paperwork

• Order 10 to 15 certified copies of the death certificate. You will need them for every account closure.
• Locate the will, trust, and any life insurance policies.
• Notify Social Security (the funeral home often does this).
• Notify the employer or pension administrator.

The service

Our funeral planning checklist breaks this part out hour by hour, if you want a printable version to split among siblings.

• Decide on burial or cremation.
• Pick a date and venue.
• Choose speakers, music, and readings.
• Draft and submit the obituary. Our guide on how to write an obituary walks through format and what to include.
• Plan the reception, if there will be one.

Telling people

If there are children in the family, our piece on how to tell the children offers age-by-age language.

• Call close family and friends directly.
• Choose one or two family members to make a wider round of calls.
• Post on social media if the family is comfortable doing so.
• Notify the deceased's employer, church, club, or community.

The first two weeks

Once the service has happened, the next wave of work begins. It is mostly administrative.

• Close or transfer bank accounts.
• Cancel credit cards, subscriptions, and memberships.
• Notify utility companies if the deceased lived alone.
• Update beneficiary information on retirement accounts.
• File the will with the probate court, if applicable.
• Begin claim processes for life insurance, if relevant.
• Forward mail to a single point of contact.

The first three months

This is when the casseroles stop arriving and the rest of the world moves on. The grief tends to surge here, even harder than in the first weeks. You are not imagining it. It is real, and it is normal.

• Send thank-you notes when you have the energy. Not before.
• Begin sorting belongings, one drawer at a time. Do not rush.
• Talk to a grief counselor if you feel you need to. Many faith communities and hospitals offer them at no cost.
• Mark the small anniversaries: their birthday, your last text, the holidays. Plan something gentle for each.

The first year

The first year of grief is its own country. There will be days you feel almost okay, and days you cannot get out of bed. Both are normal. Be patient with yourself. Many families find it helpful to plan a small marker for the one-year anniversary. A meal together. A walk somewhere they loved. A few minutes at the memorial page.

What does not need to happen quickly

Most things. You do not have to clean out their closet in the first month. You do not have to scatter the ashes by a particular date. You do not have to send thank-you notes the week after the funeral. The world will tell you to move quickly. Most of it can wait until you are ready.

What helps, when nothing helps

The two most-named comforts, across hundreds of families, are these: a small daily ritual that honors the person (a candle, a photograph turned toward the kitchen, a walk on Sunday morning), and at least one person you can speak to honestly. Grief shared is not grief halved, but it is grief witnessed, which matters more than people expect.