What to do with their clothes

The closet is one of the hardest rooms in a grieving house. Their clothes are still hanging where they left them. The smell is sometimes still there. There is no right time to sort through them. This page is for when you are ready, or partway ready.

There is no timeline

The first thing to know is that you are not late. You are not early. Some families clear a closet within weeks because the room is unbearable. Some wait a year because they cannot face it. Some keep one shelf untouched for a decade. All of these are right. Anyone who tells you it is time to do this when you do not feel ready is wrong.

Some people start with the easy shelves and leave the hard ones. Socks before shirts. Shoes before sweaters. The drawer before the rack. You do not have to do all of it at once. You do not have to do all of it ever.

Who to ask along

Most people who have done this say doing it with one person is easier than doing it alone. Pick someone who can be quiet for long stretches. Someone who will hand you a glass of water without speaking. Someone who will not narrate every piece. A sibling, an adult child, a close friend.

Tell them what you need before you start. I want to sit on the bed and you fold. I want to do this in two-hour chunks. I want the radio on quietly. I want you to not say anything about the shirt I am holding for a long time.

A simple four-pile method

Many grief counselors suggest sorting into four loose piles, in this order. You can change your mind on any item at any point.

• Keep for me. The shirts, jackets, scarves you want to wear or hold. There is no upper limit.
• Keep for family. Pieces that should go to a specific person. Their grandfather's watch chain. Their daughter's wedding-day necklace.
• Give to friends. The college roommate who would treasure that sweater. The neighbor who borrowed the rain jacket for years.
• Donate. Coats to a winter drive. Suits to a workforce nonprofit. Everyday clothes to a local shelter.

For donations, many cities have grief-aware programs that handle bereavement donations with extra care. Our memorial donations resource lists several national programs that may be a fit.

Repurposing ideas

Some families repurpose pieces instead of donating them. A quilt sewn from a stack of their favorite shirts. A pillow made from their old jacket. A teddy bear sewn from their pajamas, often given to a grandchild. There are small businesses that do this kind of memorial sewing by mail. The work is usually beautiful and the wait is usually months.

The one you cannot give away

Almost everyone who does this discovers one piece that they absolutely cannot let go of yet. Sometimes it is the shirt they wore the most. Sometimes it is the sweater that still smells like them. Sometimes it is the windbreaker they wore on a trip you remember. Keep it. Forever, if you want to. There is no rule.

Many people wear the kept piece to bed. Many people keep it folded in a drawer they open once a month. Many people hang it in their own closet and touch the sleeve when they pass. All of these are right.

After the closet

Clearing the closet often unlocks a wave of grief that the practical work was holding back. Be gentle with yourself in the days after. Our piece on the anniversary of a death covers what the first year of grief tends to feel like. Families in larger cities can find bereavement-aware donation programs through our Seattle memorial planning page and similar city resources.

If today is heavy

The crisis and grief support page has 24-hour lines and text options. You do not have to do the closet today. You do not have to do it ever, if you cannot.

Common questions

How soon am I supposed to do this?

There is no timeline. Some families do it within weeks. Some wait a year. Some take five years. The closet is not going anywhere. Wait until you can do it without it feeling like an erasure.

Do I have to do it alone?

No, and most people who have done this say doing it with one trusted person is easier than doing it alone. A sibling, a close friend, an adult child. Someone who will be quiet, hand you a glass of water, and not narrate.

What if I cannot let go of one specific shirt?

Then keep it. Forever, if you want to. Many people keep one shirt, one sweater, one jacket. Some wear it to bed. Some keep it in the closet untouched. It is your shirt now. There is no wrong way to keep it.