What to wear to a Jewish funeral

Jewish funerals happen quickly, usually within 24 to 48 hours of the death, and the dress code is plainer than most people fear. Modest, dark, head-covering at the graveside. The exact expectations vary by movement (Reform, Conservative, Orthodox) and by family. If you are unsure, ask the funeral home or err on the side of more formal.

What to wear

Dark suit or dark dress, modest cut, shoulders and knees covered. Black is standard but charcoal and navy are equally appropriate. Avoid bright colors, prints, and anything that draws attention. For women in Conservative or Orthodox settings, sleeves should extend past the elbow and skirts should fall past the knee. Pants on women are accepted in Reform and most Conservative settings; Orthodox settings expect skirts.

Head covering

Men are expected to wear a head covering at the graveside, and at the service in Conservative and Orthodox communities. A kippah (also called a yarmulke) will be available in a basket at the door of the funeral home or synagogue. Wear it. You do not need to be Jewish to do so; it is a gesture of respect, not a religious claim.

Women may be asked to cover their head in Orthodox settings. A scarf, a lace mantilla, or a wide-brimmed hat all work. In Reform settings, women typically do not cover their head.

At the graveside

Most Jewish funerals include a graveside burial immediately after the chapel service. Guests are invited to participate in the mitzvah of burial by placing one or two shovelfuls of earth on the casket. The custom is to use the back of the shovel for the first scoop, then turn the shovel over. Place the shovel back in the pile of earth (do not hand it directly to the next person; that passes the grief along). You do not have to participate; standing quietly is also respectful.

No flowers. Bring food (later)

Do not send flowers to a Jewish funeral or shiva house. The equivalent gesture is food delivered to the shiva house, or a donation to a charity made in the deceased's name. Our piece on shiva etiquette for non-Jewish guests covers what kinds of food to bring and what to say when you arrive.

What not to do

• Do not bring flowers. Send food to the shiva house instead.
• Do not arrive late. Jewish funerals are short and start on time.
• Do not greet the mourners with social niceties. The traditional custom is silence until they speak first. The phrase "may their memory be a blessing" is appropriate when spoken.
• Do not photograph the burial. Many families consider it a violation.

For more on the customs of each tradition, our cultural and religious customs resource has fuller detail.

Bringing children

Children old enough to sit through a service are welcome. Dress them in the same modest, dark clothes; small kippot are usually available for boys at the door. If you are talking to your children about the death, see how to tell the children.

For families navigating Jewish funeral homes in larger US cities, see local guidance like our New York funeral planning page or browse the city directory.

Common questions

Do I need a head covering?

Men are usually expected to wear one. Kippot are provided at the door.

Should I send flowers?

No. Send food to the shiva house or a donation in the deceased's memory.

What is the difference between Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox dress?

Reform is least formal. Conservative expects modest dress and head coverings. Orthodox expects long sleeves and skirts past the knee for women.