Shiva etiquette for non-Jewish guests

Shiva (Hebrew for seven) is the traditional Jewish period of mourning that follows the burial. The family gathers at home for up to seven days and receives visitors. If you have been invited to a shiva or you know the family and want to pay respects, this page covers what to bring, what to say, and the small customs that hold the room. Note: practice varies significantly across Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox communities. When in doubt, ask the host quietly when you arrive.

What shiva actually is

For seven days following the burial, the immediate family (parents, spouse, children, siblings) sits shiva at home or at a designated shiva house. They do not work, do not wear leather shoes (a traditional sign of comfort), often sit on low stools or cushions on the floor, and refrain from grooming and entertainment. Mirrors in the house are covered. The community comes to them, bringing food, prayers, and conversation about the person who died.

What to bring (and not)

Bring food. Food is the standard gift at shiva, not flowers. Appropriate items:

• A fruit basket, a deli platter, bagels and cream cheese, a roasted chicken, a pan of lasagna.
• Anything that can be served at room temperature.
• Disposable serving ware if you bring something hot; the family should not have to wash your dish.

Check kosher requirements. If the family keeps kosher (especially in Conservative and Orthodox households), bring food from a kosher bakery or kosher deli. When in doubt, ask a Jewish friend or call the local synagogue.

Do not bring flowers.Jewish funeral tradition does not include flowers. A donation to a charity in the deceased's memory is the parallel gesture if you want to give something beyond food.

When you arrive

The door is usually unlocked or propped open during shiva hours. Walk in quietly. Many shiva houses have a basket of yarmulkes (kippot) at the door for men; put one on.

Find the mourners. They are often seated together on low chairs. Do not greet them with social niceties. The custom is to enter, sit nearby, and wait for them to speak to you. This silence is a kindness; it absolves the mourner of the labor of small talk.

When the mourner speaks to you, the traditional response is some version of "may their memory be a blessing" (in Hebrew: zichrono livracha for a man, zichrona livrachafor a woman). If Hebrew feels awkward, "I am so sorry" or "I loved your father, let me tell you something" is perfectly acceptable.

What to talk about

The whole point of shiva is to talk about the person who died. Tell stories. Share specific memories. The family wants to hear about who their father was at the office, what your aunt did at your wedding, the way their mother always brought the same casserole. Do not avoid the deceased's name. Speak about them in the past tense, warmly, freely.

Avoid: deep theological discussions (unless invited), comparisons to your own grief, unsolicited advice on what the family should do next, or questions about the cause of death.

The prayer service (minyan)

Twice daily during shiva, a brief prayer service (called a minyan) is held in the house. It requires ten Jewish adults to proceed in traditional practice. The Mourner's Kaddish (a prayer in Aramaic, recited by the mourners) is the central moment. If you are present, stand respectfully when the others stand and sit when they sit. You do not need to say anything in Hebrew.

When you leave

The traditional parting phrase to the mourners is: "May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." In Hebrew, HaMakom yenachem etchem b'toch sh'ar avelei Tzion v'Yerushalayim. If that feels too formal, the simple English "wishing you comfort" is fine.

Do not say goodbye in the cheerful sense. Leave quietly.

After shiva

Jewish mourning is structured into stages: shiva (the first seven days), shloshim (the first thirty days, including shiva), and the first year (for parents only). Reaching out to the family after shiva ends is one of the most meaningful gestures you can make; the community often falls away after the seven days. A short call or a card at the thirty-day mark, and again at the one-year anniversary, is remembered for a long time.

For more on dress at the funeral itself, see our piece on what to wear to a Jewish funeral. For broader cultural context, see our customs guide. For card wording for the family, see sympathy card wording.

For local context, see places like our New York funeral planning page or browse the city directory.

Common questions

Do I need to be invited?

No. Shiva is traditionally open to anyone who knew the deceased or the family.

What should I say when I walk in?

Nothing, at first. Enter quietly, sit near the mourners, and wait for them to speak to you.

How long do I stay?

Twenty to forty-five minutes is typical.

What movement is this family?

Customs differ. When in doubt, ask the host quietly when you arrive.