Advance memorial wishes

An advance memorial wishes document is the page that tells your family what kind of funeral or memorial you want. Not the legal will, which handles property. Not the advance directive, which handles medical decisions. This is the page that prevents the kitchen table argument the morning after the death.

Why this saves your family a hard week

The hours after a death are when the most consequential, expensive, and unchangeable funeral decisions get made, often by the most sleep-deprived family members. Cremation or burial. Open casket or closed. Religious or secular. Without guidance from you, these decisions become the place grief metastasizes into family conflict. A clear written document removes the guesswork.

A nine-section template

• 1. Disposition. Cremation, burial, green burial, donation to science. If cremation, what to do with the ashes.
• 2. Funeral home. A preferred funeral home if you have one. If prepaid, the receipt or account number.
• 3. Type of service. Traditional funeral with body present, celebration of life weeks later, graveside only, no service. See celebration of life vs funeral.
• 4. Religious or secular. If religious, which tradition, which clergy, which church.
• 5. Music. Three to five songs. See our funeral songs list.
• 6. Readings. Any poems, scripture, or readings you want included.
• 7. Who should speak. Names of people you would want to give a eulogy.
• 8. Memorial gifts. A charity or cause for gifts in lieu of flowers.
• 9. The obituary. A self-written draft. See writing your own obituary.

A short example

My wishes, updated 2026. Cremation, please, through the funeral home in our town. Ashes scattered at the Lake George dock, by the kids, on a calm day. No traditional funeral. Celebration of life six to eight weeks later at our house or a rented hall if the weather is bad. Music: It Is Well With My Soul, Going to Carolina in My Mind, and one Springsteen song the kids pick. Mary Oliver poem In Blackwater Woods. Tom should speak; Sarah and Daniel only if they want to. Memorial gifts to the food pantry. Obituary draft is in the folder labeled For When I Am Gone.

Questions that surface the wishes

• Have you ever attended a funeral that felt right? What about it?
• Have you ever attended one that felt wrong? What about it?
• What three songs would you want playing as people walked in?
• Who do you want to officiate, if anyone?
• Do you have strong feelings about open casket, burial vs cremation, religious vs secular?
• Are there prepaid funeral plans the family should know about?

Related documents to gather

• A current legal will (executed with a lawyer).
• An advance healthcare directive and a healthcare proxy.
• A self-written obituary draft.
• An ethical will, if you want to pass along values.
• A list of accounts, passwords, and digital assets, in a secure location your executor can access.

For local funeral home options and prepaid plans, see places like our Atlanta funeral planning page or browse the city directory.

When to update

Review every three to five years and after major life events. Date each version and discard older versions so there is no ambiguity about which one is current.

Common questions

Is this the same as an advance directive?

No. An advance directive is medical. This governs what happens after the death.

Is it legally enforceable?

Generally no. But it removes the guesswork.

Where should I keep it?

Not in a safety deposit box. With your will, in a labeled folder. Tell at least two people.