What to bring to a wake

A wake is the gathering before the funeral, often the evening before, where friends and extended family pay respects and spend time with the immediate family. The expectations are gentler than the funeral itself, but there are still a few unwritten rules. Here is what to bring, and a couple things not to.

The short list

• A sympathy card, signed with your full name. (See sympathy card wording if you are stuck.)
• A specific memory you plan to share, if you knew the person. One is enough. You do not need a speech.
• Tissues, in your pocket. The venue may run out.
• A respectful outfit, leaning dark and quiet. See what to wear to give a eulogy for color and fit notes that apply here too.

Food, flowers, or donations

Wakes vary on this. Irish and Italian Catholic wakes have a long tradition of food: a tray of sandwiches, a casserole, a tin of cookies dropped at the house. Many other traditions do not. If the wake is at the funeral home, do not bring food. If the wake is at the family's home, bring a tray of something that does not need heating.

Flowers can be sent to the funeral home directly, in advance of the service. If the obituary said in lieu of flowers, do what they asked; our piece on in lieu of flowers wording explains why families ask. A donation in their loved one's name is the right answer there.

What to say at the door

You do not need a long sentence. I am so sorry. He was wonderful. We loved him. Then step aside; the family has a line of people behind you. If you knew the person well, a short specific memory, told in 30 seconds, will be the thing the family quotes back to you years later. For more on what helps, see what to say at a funeral.

What not to bring

• Children too young to be quiet for an hour, unless the family has invited them
• Strong perfume or cologne
• A phone you have not silenced
• A complicated story about your own loss. There will be time for that later. Today belongs to them.

How long to stay

Thirty to forty-five minutes is plenty unless the family is close. Sign the guest book on the way in. Greet the family. Spend a few quiet minutes near the casket or photo if there is one. Then make room for the next people. Your presence was the point.

For the rest of the week's etiquette, see our funeral planning checklist.

When you are ready, Stillwith helps you draft yours.