How to support a grieving friend

Most of us learn how to show up for a grieving friend by getting it wrong once. This page is here so you can skip that step. The rules are simple. The hard part is doing them when you would rather not bother anyone.

The seven-day rule

For the first week, just show up. Drop off food at the door. Send a card in the mail. Text once, briefly. Do not say “let me know if you need anything,” because they will not let you know. They do not know what they need. They know that breathing is hard. Make a specific offer instead.

Specific offers, not general ones

General: “Let me know if I can help.”

Specific:

• “I am dropping off a lasagna on Thursday at 6. Just leave a cooler outside the door. You do not have to come out.”
• “I am at the grocery store Saturday morning. What is on the list?”
• “I have Tuesday afternoon open. I can take the kids to the park from 2 to 5.”
• “I am free to drive you to the funeral home Tuesday at 10. Yes or no?”

Specific offers can be declined easily, which means they can be accepted easily. General offers feel like another task on the grieving person's list.

What to bring

See our dedicated care package suggestions page for specifics. The short version: food they can heat, practical items like paper plates and dog food, and quiet comforts like a soft blanket or a candle. Skip cut flowers that need vases. Skip anything that requires assembly.

What to say (and what not to)

Say:

• “I am so sorry.” (Yes, even though everyone says it. They need to hear it.)
• “I loved [Name]. I will miss them too.”
• A specific memory. “I will never forget the time he stayed late helping me move that couch.”
• “You do not have to respond to this. I just want you to know I am thinking of you.”

Do not say the phrases on our what not to say page. They are well-intentioned. They still hurt.

The long tail

Most of the meals and cards arrive in the first two weeks. The third week is the hardest, because the casseroles stop coming and the house gets quiet again. Mark these dates on your calendar:

• One month later.Send a short text. “A month already. Thinking of you and [Name].”
• Three months later. Invite them somewhere small. Coffee. A walk. Do not be hurt if they decline.
• Six months later. Another text. Or a card in the mail.
• The anniversary of the death. Reach out the day before, not the day of. The day of, the family is often underwater.
• Birthdays, holidays, the deceased's favorite season.A short message that uses the person's name is a gift.

When to keep your distance

Some grieving people need quiet for weeks. If your friend stops responding, send one message saying “I am here when you want company, no need to reply,” and then back off. Keep sending small things (a card, a meal at the door) without expecting a response. The point is not to be acknowledged. The point is for them to know.

Money topics

If the death has financial implications (a young family, a single parent, medical debt), money helps more than flowers.

• Gift cards to a grocery store, gas station, or food delivery service. $50 to $200 is a meaningful amount.
• Venmo or Zelle, with a note that says “for whatever helps.” The family decides whether it is groceries or plane tickets.
• A contribution to the memorial fund, if one is listed in the obituary.
• Pay a specific bill. “I would like to cover one month of your electric bill. What is the account number?”

The children of the bereaved

Adults forget the kids. The kids notice. If your friend has children, send something for them too: a coloring book, a small toy, a card addressed to the child by name. If you can, offer to take them somewhere fun for an afternoon. Children grieve through play. Giving them a normal afternoon is medicine. See also how to tell the children.

A printable card to leave at the door

If you drop off food and they are not home, leave a card with these words on it. They will find it later and it will help.

I am here for you. You do not need to thank me, write back, or clean up before I come over. I will be back next week with more. I love you. I loved [Name]. I am so sorry.